Wednesday, August 31, 2016

A Ritual Filled Month

Hecate's Day today, Ancestors Day/Deipnon tomorrow, Noumenia after that, then the Agathos Daimon after that. Four days of strict ritual and offerings ahead of me.

Hecate's Deipnon (Dark Moon) is about Purification of self and home. Clean, clean, clean; and take care of home affairs, like bills and restocking the pantry. Noumenia (New Moon) is about Renewal, and worshiping the household Deities. Agathos Daimon (Waxing Moon) is about Replenishing, and honoring the House Spirits, and asking for protection over home and family.

I'm going to add the making of a Kathiskos on the Deipnon this month. A Kathiskos is a jar containing mostly dry items from your pantry. Once made, you ask for protection over your food stores from Zeus Ktesios (Protector of Household Goods and Home Prosperity), for the month. Next Deipnon you dump the jar outside, and refill it on the Noumenia for the month.

This is just the tip of the iceberg of my monthly rituals.  I asked for more ritual and structure in my faith, and I certainly got it when led to Hellenic Polytheism! :-)

Also on the Dark Moon, I honor the Ancestors', Spirits, and Guides.  

Also on the New Moon, I honor Kuan Yin and make more Lotus Water.  

The 6th, is Artemis' Day.

8th is Poseidon's Day.

Full Moon's I honor Sister Moon, Tara, Bear, The Madonna, Mary Magdalene, Ceres, Dionysus, Dibella....and I think that's it.  

I'm pretty sure there's other monthly rituals for HP, but I'm not fully aware of them right now.  I do have the Hellenimos Calendar saved in my bookmarks, but I want to get what I know of down first. 


Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Still Having Technical Difficulties

Blogspot's still being weird.  I still can't comment on other's blogs or reply on this one.  I appreciate the comments and I want to reply/comment on other's posts, but blogspot's being a pain in my booty.

Thank you Readers, commentors and non.  I do appreciate that yall keep coming back!

Monday, August 29, 2016

Name Change

Wow, I just did something that should be so minor and yet isn't for me.  I just changed my blog name from "Witchfire" to "Hearth Keeper"!

I've been "Witchfire" since middle!  Witchfire's been my online handle since 2003 or 06.  Having survived Covenspace, Paganspace, Witchbook, and countless other Non-Abrahamic/Practioner online spaces.

Its birth was fairly simple.  I wanted a pen name for my first Dream Journal when I was in 8th grade.  I was a Witch and my birth element was Fire, so "Witchfire".  Ta-da.

But...I've outgrown it, as I don't feel connected to "Witch" anymore.  I'm fine with Practitioner for now.  This is something that's been on my mind for a little while.  Same with "Pagan".  I'm fine with "Polytheist".  I feel more connected with this identity than "Pagan".  I don't know why.  Well, I do, a little bit, but I don't have a coherent reason yet to share.

Over the years, I've tried other names, even asking the Spirits for a name, there was "WaterFire", "Mooneyes", "Self Portrait", "Dyslexic Witch", "Hearth", and a couple of others, but I always went back to "Witchfire".

Hell, I even learned a couple of years ago that there's a book series called Witch Fire!  Never checked it out, though.

"Witchfire" my old friend, it's been a great 19 years and you've served me well, but "Hearth Keeper" is who I am now, a name given to me by Hestia.

This is surprisingly freeing.  I was just doing some work on here, saw the name and decided, That's not who I am anymore.  Let me fix that.


Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Tiny Oopsie

Soooooo, last night, I may have....forgotten about the...Vulcanalia.....  I know, I'm terrible, lol.  But tonight, I've got it allllll set up.  A shrine for Him, featuring a brass ram, a black shot glass of olive oil (I'd prefer to give Hephaestus red wine or whiskey), a Little People's Donkey, a ceramic spoon of barley and flour, and a piece that I made in my Craft class in high school, where we made metal jewelry.  This piece is a shell that looked like a bird skull to me, with copper wire wrapped around the spiral, with a copper feather soldered onto the "forehead".  I believe this piece was my first solder experience.  Oh, and a yellow candle.

I went/going all out tonight.  Feeling great, I brushed my teeth, showered, put on fresh clothes.  My husband will be home from work soon, after he goes to bed, I'll veil and wash with my khernips to remove any excess miasma.  Light Hestia-Vesta's candle and give Them an offering of salted flour, then turn to Hephaestus-Vulcan, and light their candle, sprinkle some flour into the flame, and speak to Them about the Vulcanalia, and to Hephaestus about where our relationship stands.

I should also bring out my pendulum for that....can't forget.

Also, I was thinking ritual garb.  The most I ever do, if I remember, is a headcovering.  Normally, I only veil when I leave the house, but I'm trying to get into the habit of veiling when I do my ritual.  Little by little.  Eventually and hopefully by the end of the year of studying and practicing, I'll have my ritual down to a science, at least when I'm in the mood to do it all.

Aside from the veils, I want to get a Greek or Roman style dress, since I'm kind of broke, I'm going to look for one in the Halloween season.  I have a Roman Empress costume that I wore for my wedding night (we had a costume after party), but that's packed away somewhere with my wedding stuff, otherwise I might use that.  So that's the plan for this fall, find me a nice plus sized, modest, preferably all white/ivory Greek or Roman costume dress.  I think it'll help get me in the mood, especially since I do like cosplay and dressing up.

* Update, I did the ritual, something simple, as planned.  Dionysus actually came through and answered questions about Hephaestus.  He said that He's not mad, He was never mad at me.  I was just figuring things out, so He took a step back and let me sort it out.  Hephaestus would absolutely want me as a follower again.

Dionysus suggested building Him a shrine to work on our relationship.  Which, He's one of a few Gods who I need to make shrines for, but I just don't have the space for it.  So I'm going to continue my research on Hephaestus and look for any days that He holds sacred and do what I do with Artemis and set up a mini shrine for Her on Her days.  I believe He has a month...but I'm not entirely sure about that.

Although that necklace in the picture above, I could use as a mini wall shrine for Him, since I lack the space.  We'll see.  Or I could do for Him what I've done for Poseidon, and made a hanging wall shrine....

As for Dionysus, He's happy with my progress.   So a very good ritual, indeed.  And with that, I'm off.  Good night, yall!


Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Divine Sex - No Shame & Making Amends

I've just come from Earthly Handmaiden's blog, and their post about Divine Intimacy.  I left a comment, but with how my blogspot's been acting over the last few months, I don't know that it took (I hope it did), so I'd figured I'd share my comment with yall, and link ya back over to their post, if you're interested in a reading.

Ah, interesting!  I, too, have had sexual encounters with the Powers, and have a lesbian friend who has regular sex with Zeus (not a Godspouse relationship; nor do I think she regular worships Him).  My first sexual encounter with a spiritual being was a Willow Tree Spirit in the Astral.  It was without warning--I literally blinked--yet also very sensual.  (It was more about energy exchange than sexual sensation).  It left me feeling calm, but not violated, despite how unexpected it was. 
 My second experience was with Hephaestus in 2015.  Again, unexpected, no consent asked, hard and dirty--and He took the form of an anvil, but I knew it was Him.  But He also helped to reawaken my libido, which had been choked into submission by a birth control that I was weaning myself from.  I'm very grateful to Him for that. (no matter how o/Our relationship may have turned out afterwards.) My third was actually during sex with my husband, and it was either Dionysus, Pan, or some Satyr who came through and took over.  It's a common occurrence really, since I accepted Dionysus and His retinue.  No consent, but somewhat aggressive, but I wouldn't call it rape, exactly.  I didn't feel violated.  
I have had sex with Dionysus in female forms, which helped me explore and accept my bisexuality.
 But I feel the same way, if I asked them to stop, they probably would have.  Thank you for sharing for your story

I've also had romantic sensations with Poseidon, only Him in the form of the ocean.  But it was Him, just as the anvil was Hephaestus.  He used to send me beach scenes during the twilight moments...scenes that turned me on.

These things weren't merely dream, desire, fetish, or fantasy.  They're as real and legit as any other meeting that I've had with the Powers.  It can be rather jarring, but always--for me--very satisfying.  Sometimes I don't feel enlightened, as Earthly Handmaiden had with Mani, or as I had with the Willow Tree Spirit.  Sometimes it's just sex--satisfaction.  None, yet, have given me a reason to reject Them, no matter how sudden the encounter is.


Also, according to my notes, today is the Vulcanalia, so I want to do something to honor Vulcan/Hephaestus, but also talk to Him, apologize to Him for some of the nastier things that I said about Him regarding the attempted rape of Athena.  Since that whole big thing, I haven't felt Him around, so I don't know if I offended Him.  If I have, I hope to make amends.  If not, at least I tried.

My mind's been changed about many Gods over the last couple of years, from Him to Aphrodite to Poseidon, then to Zeus and Hera.  I don't know that I necessarily respect the King and Queen of the Olympians yet, but my perspective is changing.  I'd hate to think that I offended Hephaestus in such a way that He wouldn't forgive me, not saying that I expect Him to accept me back, I just want Him to know that I'm sincerely sorry.  

I'm only human, one with a lot to learn.  But I wish that I had focused more on my past experiences with Him, instead of judging Him solely on that attempted rape, since as I have a new understanding and perspective of the God's myths.  Stories that are and aren't Theirs.  

But I still had a lot of issues concerning rape, due to my own history.  I don't think it's that surprising that I would've judged these ancient stories with a modern perspective.  

I dunno, we'll see.  


Sunday, August 21, 2016

Scapegoats and the Opinions of Sheep

It's kind of funny, and I've said this many times before, please forgive the redundancy.  I am a redundant person.  When this whole hub-bub in the Polytheist community started, Dionysus really wanted me to pay attention.  I didn't care, didn't get it.  Yet I read and I skimmed, and kept seeing a bunch of well known Polytheists whining and complaining about how others are polluting their traditions by not doing things EXACTLY the same.

All I could think are they polluting your tradition?  All I'm see is YOU polluting your own tradition with your need for validation, your whining, your online flame-wars, your judgement, your pride, and your overall childish behavior.  How only YOUR opinion matters.  First it was the Atheist Pagans you fought against because they were attacking you by not believing in the Gods, then you started turning on other Polytheists, whom, in your opinion, weren't pious enough.

Oh no, someone has a negative or a different opinion!   (Polytheistic Trumps)

Who gives a shit?  Keep on practicing how you've been practicing.  Fuck them.  You don't have to defend anyone or thing against nay sayers or those who do things different.  Their negative opinions, alone, aren't going to wipe your tradition from existence.  How you react to them, however, might!  You're getting lost in the drama!  Grow up.

Now I'm seeing those who used to stand with the Gatekeepers, breaking away.  Seeing the problems.  Sick and tired of the whining and the fighting.  Breaking away with My Polythesim.  They want to see discussions again.  They want growth.  Not this stunting of growth.  Of course, the Pious Police have something negative to say about that, because it's different than their point.  Because people can't have difference of opinion, of beliefs, of practices.  We all have to be the same, especially in order to be part of traditions.

All this talk of hubris from the Gatekeepers, and yet they refuse to see their hypocrisy.  Just like any other extreme factions.  Their way or the high way.  Very mature thinking.  So progressive.  Surely, some might be those type of ancient pagans who were warring type. They'd cleanse those Polytheists who didn't think like they do, with war, slaughter, and slavery.  Just as the ancient ancestors did.  Fighting in the name of their Gods.  Because for some reason everyone has to think and practice the same way.  There can be no diversity.  Diversity = Threat.

I also love how it's only a true message from the Gods if it falls in line with Gatekeepers views.  But if it doesn't, then it's human greed, hubris, and delusion.  I've seen this so many times, especially when that whole Pagan Veiling drama began, and someone tried telling me that Hestia would never tell Her worshipers to veil, because headcoverings are a symbol of weakness and oppression, and Hestia's a strong, independent Goddess.  That veiling and modesty are extremely disrespectful to Her.

Um...have you not seen many classical depictions of Her?  She's usually wearing some type of veil or hair binding.

Well, that's because the art was created men to OPPRESS women.

She always appears me to covered and veiled.

That's the brainwashing of this patriarchal society!

There's just no winning against those types of people who can only see their perspective.  There's no point in even trying to argue.  Just leave em be.  Let em talk.  Let em continue to build up their already towering pedestals.  Eventually, physics will knock em down.  Even Skyscrapers have limits.  They're doing a great job of lookin like fools, you don't need to help.  You'll just look like one yourself.


I'm so glad that I don't seek validation from others when it comes to my practice and beliefs.  Yes, as I research more and more into HP and RR, I'm jotting down rituals and reading about how others do theirs for inspiration for my own, but I'm not going out of my way to ask for permission from the Gatekeepers.  Overall, how my Gods instruct me, whatever They approve of, is always going to be more important than the opinions of humans.  Only the Gods know what They want and expect from certain followers and worshipers.  No one else can or should speak on Their behalf for all of us.

I will not sacrifice my mental health, or the bonds with my spouse and children in order to please the Gods, especially when They don't require it!  Some of mine do not expect that, and would probably punish me if I did.  Especially Hestia, who's told me to never put Them first.  In this temple, Her word reigns above the others, even if She's no Queen in Her pantheon, and did give up Her place on Olympus for Dionysus.  She wanted no part of the drama and wanted to focus on caring for Her family--on things that really matter.  She expects me to do the same.

You don't need validation from anyone, Hearth Keeper.  Honor us in your own way.  The only sacrifices you should be making for Us, are spiritual ones.  Sacrifices that will aid you in your healing and growth.  Sacrifices that will benefit your self and family.  

* Please note, this is Her message for me.  If it makes sense to you and you want to try it, cool.  But that's your decision.*

(Yes, I will make spiritual sacrifices, but I also will still give menstrual blood to Hecate, and the physical offerings that Artemis, Ceres, and Dionysus require.  As long as they don't affect me in a negative way.)

Blind obedience....blind loyalty....words that keep coming to mind when I think of the Gatekeepers and the Pious Police.

I'll just never understand this need to put everyone in boxes...and the pride that it must take to speak on the Gods' behalf and decide who's most worthy and pious?  Who appointed you as judge?  Who are you to make that call?  Why is it important to separate the community further in a world that's already divided and war strewn?  Boggles my mind.  Always has.  Not that I'm expecting us to all come together in some fluffy utopian society.  I don't believe that humans are capable of such a personally I believe that we need conflict.  But I just think that there's more important things to be worried about than how someone else practices their faith and spirituality.

Humans.  The entertainment never stops, does it, Dionysus?

I need to accept that that's just how some folks are, instead of wondering and trying to figure them out.  Some folks just thrive on drama and ego.  No point in joining them or driving yourself crazy.  Just live my life.

But while the Pious Police argue, judge, belittle, and inflate their egos in the name of defending their Gods, Imma celebrate our differences.  Discuss and learn.  Progress in my faith and life.

Some people are just dicks.


From Gods & Radicals:

Consider yourself a polytheist but becoming increasingly alienated from the authoritarian push of some self-appointed leaders? There’s a new series of writing from folks who will inspire you.  “My Polytheism” began a few weeks ago, and there’s been quite a lot of diverse writing already which the site is compiling.   From the intro page:
This is the common ground our communities need to be built around. Not same-ness. Not dogma. Not gate-keeping. Hospitality.” 

Hospitality.  If there's one thing Hestia and one of my Pillars are about, it's hospitality ("Xenia").  Be welcoming.   Be civil.  Have integrity.

Another Pillar is Hagreia, which is avoiding negative situations.  As I've mentioned, as humans live their daily lives, they pick up miasma.  Most of this spiritual uncleanliness is unavoidable, and not necessarily bad.  But some of it is self inflicted and bad.  Some of the Pious Police are obsessed with purity and cleanliness for the Gods.  This Pillar says to avoid "miasmic situations".  Avoid and don't create them.

Sometimes I feel that being a dick, cleansing oneself before approaching a God, just to go back out into the world the next day, and continue being a douche, is kind of the same thing you'd find with some Catholics.  They do bad shit, then confess their sins, and God forgives them.  But they don't learn anything.  They just go right back out and do it again.  Sin, confess, forgiveness.  Repeat.  Here, we have some Non-Abrahamics doing the exact same thing, only with different terms, rituals, and Gods....

I'd rather not be in that disrespectful little loop.  The Gods are watching, They're no fools.  I just see it as disrespect to Them, if you’re not learning anything.  If you’re not trying to avoid these situations, these...sins.  To me, it just seems like some aren’t taking this stuff serious, despite what they spew.

Involve/Create Miasma.  Purify.  Repeat.


Tuesday, August 16, 2016

My Polytheism

Over on Wordpress, in light of all the hub-bub concerning Polytheism, what it is, what it isn't, and what it should be, a lot of people that I follow are writing about their Polytheism, #mypolytheism.  As a polytheist, myself, I wonder if I should join in and write about what mine looks like?

As I wondered, I came across Of Frost and Starry Night's polytheism and found it relatable.  Especially the bits about miasma and losing oneself in rage, and a couple of other bits, especially the pop culture, nerd ones (Nerds unite!)

What does mypolytheism look like then?  Here's a little as it comes to me:

  • I mean....I believe in the existence of all Gods, whether or not I worship them.  They are individuals and diverse and Their own beings.  However, I also believe that humans created Them, that They started out as Thoughtforms who eventually gained and retained the God Status of the Spirit Realm.  Although I'm beginning to question that belief, as is healthy to do.  
  • Do I believe that the Gods created life as we know it?  No.  I don't.  Perhaps in their own little realms, They're the creators, there's so too many creation myths out there to claim as being the only one for our existence.  
  • Do I put 100% faith in the Gods?  No, because I was advised by Others not to.  That in the end, it's my decision.  Yes, sometimes They do have their own agendas, which may or may not always be good for you, as I learned with The Baron.  Some Gods are assholes like that.  Individuals, remember?
  • I, too, sometimes get angry at the Gods and Spirits.  Sometimes I feel abandoned.  Unworthy.  Toyed with.  Used.  Forgotten.  But I'm human.  I also am devoted to Them.  I love Them.  I am grateful.  I'm not an easy person to work or live with.  They know that.  I struggle.  I doubt.  I lose my temper.  I quiet myself.  Regain composure.  Apologize.  Speak in a calmer, respectful manner.  Learn from mistakes.  I am human with a lot of baggage.  Great thing about Polytheism is that if you offend one, more than likely They're going to be another Deity who's not quite as vain or impatient.  Trust me, I'm surrounded by gentle and patient Goddesses who could've left me in my misery many times during my outbursts, yet They don't.  They stay.  I'm forever grateful for that.  I show my devotion by trying to take Their lessons and examples to heart.  
  • I do not put the Gods first, especially not above my own children.  Why?  Because my Matron taught me not to.  The Gods come and go, family should come first.  You should come first.  
  • I'm not always at my best, as I suffer from learning disabilities, anger issues, mild ADD, anxiety, depression, self-harm, poor self-esteem, and PTSD.  Some holy days are going to be missed.  I may not always wash myself of miasma or veil before approaching the Gods.  I may not always have the energy to give offerings and praise.  I used to feel guilty about this, but They've told me that my health comes first.  They know They're love and that I'm grateful to Them.  The ones that I know do not expect me or want me to neglect myself of my family just to show love and thanks to Them.  They're patient....I'm healing...dealing, coping, learning.  Growing.  They're forgiving and understanding and patient.  They know that I'm only human.  In reality, most only seem to want my actions, above material things.  Self-care, too.  I do little things for Them, and that's enough for Them.
  • As I study Hellenic Polytheism and Religio Romana, I don't feel that these rituals are required in order to work with the Gods.  I asked for more ritual and structure in my life, and They led me to these faiths.  Lots of structure, lots of rituals, and a strong, growing community to connect with and learn from.  My path has been lacking lately, I keep getting drawn to these desires.  They've answered.  Are these rituals required to walk these traditions?  I'd say yes.  Are they required to interact with the Gods and be in their good favor?  Some perhaps, but not all.  I feel no requirements or protocols to follow before addressing Hestia, Artemis, or Ceres.  But these rituals feel good to follow.  Yet, I'm not going to loath myself if I forget or don't have the energy for a proper HP/RR greeting.  It doesn't make me impious or less than another person of this path.  
  • We all have shit in our lives.  The Gods--for me--are here to help.  It's one of the reasons why I wait for Them to approach me.  Learn my story, my potential, my faults, then decide whether or not I could be a good follower for Them.  If I went to then, I'd feel like I'd have to do what They wanted me to do in order to be considered good enough.  I just don't have the discipline or time for that, especially not a high maintenance God.  
  • Yes, I include pop culture references and Deities to my path: Elder Scrolls, Harry Potter, Star Wars, Avatar: TLAB/LOK, X-Men, and others.  Many of these things have provided healing for me.  I have a deep spiritual connection to some.  No, the Others don't seem to care, and if They do They haven't said anything.  Especially not Dionysus, my Dionysus is definitely a fan of Pop Culture.  A huge fan of David Bowie, too. Pop Culture is a major thing in my mundane life, so it makes sense that it would PC would also influence my spiritual life.
  • I erect shrines to my Gods, simple and elaborate, as a place to connect and give offerings.  During my dark days, they also serve as a reminder that I'm not alone, no matter what my anxiety says.  
  • I give offerings because I want to.  Depending on the Deity, physical offerings aren't always necessary.  Most prefer my actions.  But I still enjoy giving Them things to show devotion and gratitude.  It's like my mom, she always tells me to not give her gifts, and yet, I like to.  It makes me feel good, but I also love seeing the joy and surprise on her face when she unwraps the gift.  Like the Ancestors, Spirits, and Gods, I always try to find something from my heart.  Something with meaning.
  • I veil my head and dress modestly for Hestia; not because She requires it, but because I want to.  It's all for devotion...and dressing this way makes me feel beautiful and gives me a boost of confidence.  
  • I do make sacrifices for two of my Deities: Domestic Harvests for Ceres and Wild Harvests for Artemis.  Any animal or plant life taken is to be done in Their names.  They also get a part of the harvest.  If, say, I injure an animal or plant, but have nothing to harvest, I give my own blood to the land.  Sometimes for harvested plants--especially if it's accidental, I also give my own blood to the land (done with a diabetic lancer and an alcohol swab).
  • I do thank the Spirit of the Flora and Fauna for their sacrifice to help and sustain myself and family, be the supplies from a local farm/hunter, or the store/market.   Respect and gratitude is given to the Spirits of Flora, Fauna, Land, River, Sky, and to the Gods associated.  

We humans are a diverse species.  We're not all cut from the same cloth.  If we were, I'd imagine it'd be quite boring.  As Dionysus has said when I wondered why take an interest in us flawed, strange beasts, basically, humans are interesting to the Gods.  Entertaining.  I'd imagine that life for an immortal gets boring from time-to-time.  Or at least my immortal characters seem to get bored.

But we're diverse and individual.  We're going to have our own ways of honoring ourselves, our ancestors, history, spirits, science, the Powers, nature, whatever  it is that makes us happy, healthy, and enlightenment.  There is no one way of doing this.  

For those who have Gods, Spirits, and other Powers, how we choose to honor and worship Them is between the Follower and the Power.  No one else.  Just as we have different faces, so do the Powers.  No doubt someone else's Dionysus or Hestia expects more when addressed than mine does.  Doesn't make either of us wrong or impious.  As long as love, respect, and gratitude are being shown to the Powers, according to that person's path or tradition, who cares?  

I know that I'm beating a dead horse here, but we need to stop policing each other.  What are we accomplishing, other than needless hurt feelings and inflated egos?  Focus on your path and tradition.  Celebrate the diversity....or don't.  Just don't be a self-righteous ass about it.  The Gods don't need you to fight Their battles for them.  If someone of the same or similar tradition is doing something slightly different than you, who cares?  The only person who can pollute your tradition--the path you're currently walking--is you.  

Perhaps as I think deeper about mypolytherism, I'll write more about it?  But then....that's basically what my spiritual blogs are dedicated to anyway.... Me sharing this crazy, spiritual world with others.  Me trying to figure shit out, and hopefully connect with and learn from others who're dealing with similar situations.

(Update:  My Wordpress for those who don't know is From the Mud)


Monday, August 15, 2016

Oh Gawd, WTF????

Kind of Dream.

Just...da fuck subconscious?

It's one of those dreams that you don't even want to talk about because just....da fuck subconscious????!!!  Yet, I'm going to....because there's gotta be a meaning, right?  Yuck, da fuck.  So much da fuckery.

So I a marsh or swampy area, somewhere in the south.  Naked and struggling to stay awake.  I failed.  I was asleep, but outside of myself watching me sleeping, surrounded by golden light, in a dark green and murky swamp.

Then my brother showed up and took advantage of me being a sleep.  Like, in a loving way, not a a monster out for control sort of way.  While he was committing incest, I kept yelling at myself to wake up, but couldn't.  A platform of vines appear beneath us and carried us through the swamp to an old white mansion that sat on the river.  Mid-way through, just before we got there, he felt guilty, but didn't stop, just slowed down.

I woke up in the dream, but was still really sleepy and disoriented.  My brother wasn't around anymore, instead some Colonel Sanders lookin dude in a white, with his black servant (I didn't get a slave vibe from her) was talking to me about...I dunno what.  I was still appalled by the incest to really listen.  Yet, I was still glowing gold...and naked.

So Dream Moods says that Incest could mean,

  • "To dream of incestuous practices signifies erotic desires".  Yes, but not incest.  Nothing like it.  Just, da fuck?  Plus, I was unconscious when it was happening.  Guess I should probably also look up rape, too, then.
  • "It may also be representative of the union between feminine and masculine aspects of yourself. You are at a phase in your life where you are not quite a child and not quite an adult".  What?  WHY would that take the of form incest?  Why not a male form of myself fucking the female form myself???  I'm pissed off at my subconscious for this fucking dream.  Clearly.
  • "if you have been arguing with this family member and are expressing your desire to make up, then the dream may be trying to depict forgiveness in an extreme way".  Ew.  Yes, my brother and I's relationship hasn't been the greatest lately, but ew.  No!  What the...?!?!!?  Again, it wasn't mutual!

Hm.  Well, here's radiant, as I was radiantly glowing gold throughout the dream, like a fat, naked beacon: "To see something radiant in your dream indicates purity, intellectual stimulation, spiritual enlightenment and wisdom"  Well, that's just lovely.  

On that same page, Rape could mean, "Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being" or "To see a rape being committed in your dream denotes sexual dysfunction or uncertainty".  

You know, I'm going through a lot of changes in my life lately.  Changes concerning family, concerning my faith--how I see the Gods and Modern vs Ancient Perspectives on some hot topics.  Changes dealing with my newly accepted sexuality and exploration with my husband.  As well as body image and self love.  Lots and lots of changes that could be what this da fuckery dream could be talking about.  Just why incest?!?!  Why?!  Ugh!  Surely there are other symbols my brain could've used?  Not gonna be able to look at my brother for a while now.....

Trying to look past the incest, and focus more on the golden glow, I guess this makes more sense....Oh, I think I get now, what this fucked up dream was trying to tell me.  Less focus on actions and more on symbolism, right?

Glowing "To dream that a person is glowing means that you finally understand this person in a new way".  

Light bulb!

Gold (same page) "[...] natural healing, illumination and/or spirituality".

Swamp, "To see a swamp in your dream symbolizes the repressed and dark aspects of yourself. You may be feeling insecure".  When I am not feeling insecure?

Sleep, "[...]  it means that you are ignorant of the conditions and circumstances around you" and "beckons renewal and new beginnings".

Okay, now that I have all of the major bit list, onto my possible epiphany.

I was sleeping, naked in a dark murky swamp.  Yet I was also glowing a radiant gold.  Fighting sleep.  Was raped by my brother.  Then woke up and couldn't get past the incest.  

Swamp could represent muck and cloudiness.  Dirty filth.  Bad thoughts that I have about myself, since I was nude in the dream.  I hate seeing myself nude.  I like my boobs and that's it.  Well, boobs, cheek bones, and eyes.  That's it.  I hate being naked, even with my husband.  I feel embarrassed and disgusting.  

Golden light emanated from me quite beautifully, like a fertility goddess.  Yet despite this beauty, I still couldn't see it.  All I can usually focus on is fat and hunch.  I do not see myself attractive in the least bit.  Given that I've rediscovered my libido lately, there are things that my husband wants me to do that I refuse to do--despite that they feel fantastic and I used to enjoy them, when I wasn't as heavy--because I don't feel sexy.  I hate the way that I look, despite that he finds me irresistible.  I often wish that I could see myself the way that he does.  

Sometimes it boggles my mind when a good looking, fit man is attracted to larger women.  Doesn't help that American society tends to teach that as well, that fat people only deserve other fat people.  Often when I write my erotica stories, the women are almost always thin and fit.  Although I'm beginning to experiment more with curvier women (I'm attracted to that body type) and plus sized women, and trying to see the other side through writing.  Which has helped me a little bit with my own body image.  Although when I start accepting myself, then I feel my muffin top laying on my thighs and am disgusted again.  

However, in my erotic dreams, I'm me.  My out of dream body weight.  But when I become aware of that, I lucid up my dream body, because I fear rejection and insincerity when my Dreamscape Lovers see...well, me.  

I think that the incest is tied somewhere in all of that mess.  That in a way, my brother does represent me.  The part that wants to love me, but feels utterly disgusted by that very life-saving action of self-love.  To  be a fit attractive person loving a fat person is taboo.  It's unacceptable in American least from my perspective.  Incest represents my inability to see past the fat and see the meaning, does that make sense?  As for the rape, I'm the one who's jeopardizing myself.  My self-loathing is effecting everything, as it often does.  

The sleeping possibly meant that I'm unaware, yet I was also very much aware.  And that it is time to wake up and heal.  Get passed my insecurities, and become the radiant goddess that my husband sees.  Easier said than done, but I'm not alone in this journey.  I have my husband and my Gods guiding me.  None more than Dionysus/Dibella.

Body image, I've been struggling with it for a long time.  So obsessed with being thin, but healthy.  So many struggles with that.  I watched a Try Guys video on facebook the other day about how women and men are photoshopped with the ideal body.  Like Eugene, who's a fairly attractive man, I wonder if even if I gained my target weight and got the skin removal surgeries, if I'd be happy?  They suggested learning to be happy with yourself.  That video's message has been on my mind a lot lately.

I'm going through a transformation--deep and spiritual.  I can feel it.  Something major is happening to me.  It's scary at times....yet I'm curious.  Perhaps I'll emerge loving myself in a way that I've never done before?

Who knew that a dream about incest could be about body image and self love?  The subconscious is a weird, scary, unpredictable fucking place.


Monday, August 8, 2016

30 DDD on From The Mud

Over on my Wordpress, I'm doing the 30 Days of Deity Devotion on Dionysus, if any are interested in checking those posts out.


Friday, August 5, 2016

You Learn That The World Isn't What It Appears When You're In Love With a Witch.....I guess....

My nephew was released from the hospital yesterday, with a nebulizer for breathing.  He has bronchitis .  He's doing a lot better now, mostly sleeping.  Yay for that.  After I did the spell, I told my husband.  A few hours after that, he sent back, IT WORKED!!!  lol.  Now I'm not vain enough to think it was ALL me, of course, but I'd like to think I helped a bit.

Lately my husband's been having a lot of spiritual dreams, and encounters with Spirits Animals and Messengers.  So, naturally, he comes to me for help.  I'm terrible at dream interpretation just for myself, let alone someone else.  But I still did some research and sent him a list of possibilities of the meaning.  He responded with, HOW DO YOU DO THIS????  Frustrating!

Yes, yes it can be.  Welcome to my world, where the points don't matter and the rules are all made up!

I told him, Years of practice? it's all very subjective. I could give you lots of other meanings, too. But overall you know what's going on in your life. You probably have your own interpretations fo what certain creatures and colors and situations mean. It's an art, not a science. All purely base on you.

the way I see it, IF there is a meaning, IF these spirits are important to you, they will give other signs.

So my little explanation did what I hoped it would, and encouraged him to think about what the important bits mean to him outside of the dreamscape.  He came back with his own interpretation.

"How do you do this?  All of these symbols and weird dreams....  It's a lot.  Very frustrating."

I just shrugged.  I mean, I don't really have answer.  I've been dealing with this "weird" stuff since I was a kid.  I don't know that I have a choice in the matter, because They would just keep on sending me message until I acknowledge it and listen.

"You can keep these weird dreams."

"Well, honey, guess that's what happens when you marry a Witch.   I'm surprised that it hasn't happened sooner.  Perhaps you're just more open to receiving them now?"